After trying to kill myself at the beginning of October…

After trying to kill myself at the beginning of October, I started going to therapy. My therapist and I are focusing right now on controlling my anxiety and panic and later we’ll start going through my problems, I suppose. However, our appointments are really short, and they are expensive too. I understand that things need to be done with time, but my issues are still here and even though I have new amazing ways to deal with anxiety physically, I am still completely incapable of doing anything else. I also think I might have BPD which is something a lot of therapists apparently don’t know how to deal with because of the mood changes.
I’m scared. Should I talk to her next time about this? I’ve read so much about BPD, the symptoms seem to fit me and explain a lot of my life, at least, plus all my other problems regarding relationships and abuse I’ve been through is starting to be a little bit heavier in the last few days. I don’t know what to do. Last time I tried to make a decision, I was going to end my life, should I really be trying to change this?

I am so happy that you reached out. It seems that you’re dealing with a lot, and I am very proud of you for connecting with a licensed professional that can help you cope with what you’ve experienced and what you’re currently experiencing. As someone who has been in therapy, individual and group, I completely know where you’re coming from. You honestly thought therapy would help you fix your problems, heal and provide you with the resolutions to move forward.

But instead of any of that happening, the past is coming up for you, the parts that you thought you’ve healed, and it’s starting to take a toll on you. Does that sound right? You’re not alone, many of us in therapy and those that have been in therapy were very impatient with our journey to recovering and healing. Just remember that healing takes time! It took years for you to become the way you are, and it may take twice as long to recover from what you’ve experienced. Don’t give up and keep focusing on healing your past and loving yourself.

Therapy appointments can be short and VERY expensive. At your next therapy session, ask your therapist if they know of any group therapy sessions or any support groups for people your age that may have experienced what you’ve experienced or what you’re currently experiencing. Group therapy helped me to see that there were others out there, experiencing the same pitfalls I was experiencing on my path to self-acceptance, self-love, and healing. And we all, collectively, thought our healing was taking forever and we were SO impatient with the process, but it felt great to speak to others that could understand where I was coming from. If you’re in school, high school or university, reach out to the counselors or counseling center and see if they offer free group therapy sessions.

Also, you should talk to your therapist about your suspicions of you having BPD, but don’t panic! You haven’t been diagnosed, yet, if at all, and so there is no need to worry. Worrying does nothing for no one, and it will just make you sad, depressed and stressed. And when it comes to your past coming back up, that’s good news! It means that it’s come up for you to heal, which is a great thing. Instead of viewing the past through a negative lens, try to detach from it and see your past self like a scared little child. How would you comfort that scared little child? Now comfort yourself and the scared little you that experienced the trauma, the way you would comfort a little child. This method will allow you to acknowledge and accept what happened, but it will allow you to be free from blaming yourself or critiquing yourself. This method will allow you to show compassion and self-love towards yourself, something most abuse victims aren’t able to give themselves, something I know from experience. And don’t give up! You are doing a really great job with your therapy and your healing. And if I haven’t said it, I am so proud of you for doing the incredibly tough inner work that will allow you to live a life full of love and free from fear. And I’m happy that you’ve allowed me to walk with you on your journey and I’m happy that you’re still here today!