“There are so many secrets and lies…”

Anonymous: I hate my family, I hate my history, and I hate all that I’ve experienced. There are so many secrets and lies surrounding my family that I just want to scream. Scream, and yell, and cry. Cry about the injustices of it all. I was molested. Molested by my uncle when I was younger. For years I had no idea that I was sexually assaulted. But one day the floodgates opened, and memories of the event began to flood in. And when I told my family about the molestation, they didn’t believe me. 

So, I still had to and have to interact with my uncle at family functions. Smiling at him, hugging him, even kissing him on his cheek. I’m so tired of living a lie, of not owning my truth and shouting to the world what was done to me. And I’ve never felt safe, secure or protected at any point in my life. I just want to be happy. I want to feel joy and experience joy. I don’t want what happened to me to hang over my head or for me to feel that life is unjust and cruel. I just want peace. 

I am so sorry you’ve experienced so much trauma, insecurity, and instability in your life. Having a loving, stable, secure and trusting foundation is all that any child ever wants. And for your foundation to be diametrically opposed to that is very distressing. 

And I’ve been in your situation, so I know exactly what you’re going through. It almost seems as if you are living out an older chapter of my life. My molester was my grandmother’s husband and I always hated being near him and having anything to do with him. My instincts would always rise and tell me that something was wrong. But when I mentioned my feelings to others, they would make me feel alone and that I was crazy.

It wasn’t until I was 21 years old and began having dreams of the sexual assault I experienced as a child, that I learned that I was molested. So just know that you are not alone and that I am standing with you offering you the comfort, support, and acceptance that you need as you face your past. 

So once again, I am so sorry that you lost your innocence at a young age and that you never had any adult to protect you and keep you safe. But I can tell you for a fact that you have one person who was always there to keep you safe and continues to keep you safe. Yourself.

See, you were so brutalized, mentally, emotionally and physically from the assault that your mind, i.e. you, wanted to protect yourself and it did by erasing what happened from your past. But your memories came back whenever your subconscious knew it could trust you to heal from your experiences and your memories. 

And you are ready to heal. You are crying out for help, for someone to walk with you as heal and for someone to teach you the tools you need so that you can heal once and for all. If you’ll have me, I would be more than happy to walk with you on your journey to healing. From one victor to another, you got this, and I believe in you. And making peace with your family, your molester, what was done to you and yourself won’t be easy. And it will take time, but I know it is possible.

What has helped me, and what began my journey to healing was sitting with my inner child and acknowledging her feelings. How scared, lonely, and full of shame she was about what happened to her. It made me so sad to know that she blamed herself for the assault and that she saw herself as not being worthy of being protected.

Do you feel worthy of being protected? Do you acknowledge that what happened to you wasn’t your fault? Choosing forgiveness and learning to heal from an experience such as this will be a journey filled with many tears, anger, resentment and days of which you won’t want to get out of your bed. But you always have to acknowledge that it’s a process and that acknowledging your feelings and your fears is a part of that process. 

Now, I am about to ask you a couple of questions that I believe no one in your life ever has. So, here goes. What do you want? What do you need? What do you want to come from all of your experiences and your talk with me? What do you need to feed your soul, to feel grounded and safe? What does peace look like to you?

The answers to these questions will help you realize what you desire and how you want your peace and acceptance to look. It will also help you zero in on what you want to work through and heal. You could choose to just work through the trauma of the molestation for now, or you could go further and focus on the lack of support from your family, the unstable foundation and the lack of love from your family members. 

Or even how you’ve allowed this experience to follow you and dictate your reactions and responses in other facets of your life. Or how you are allowing this experience and others to steal your joy. And if you can, think about reaching out to a licensed professional who can help you work through your experiences. Someone who can help you learn the tools to heal but also help you own the power within. 

And I hope you take away from our chat that you are worthy of being loved, accepted, protected and cherished. But also, that what happened to you isn’t and was not your fault and that you are not alone as you work towards healing. There are so many of us out here that have been molested by family members who felt and still feel that the adults in our lives did not, and chose not to protect us. 

So, don’t ever feel alone. And if you do, just reach back out. We here at DearSpence always have your back! I wish you luck on your journey and just remember all it takes is one step. The first step. Good luck and think about reaching out to that licensed professional!