Anonymous: I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past 7 years, and I have fallen out of love with him. In fact, I have fallen in love with someone else. And not to criticize or anything, but my boyfriend is very lazy. He does nothing around the house and expects me to clean up after him and take care of him. And I do not recognize the man that sits before me.
He has changed, dramatically, since the beginning of our relationship to now. The only qualities that stayed the same were his bad ones. The laziness, uncleanliness, and the lack of support, mentally, emotionally and financially. I try to help him change but he never listens to me. He listens, but only when it is too late, and the outcome is bad. Do I leave him and seek happiness elsewhere? Or do I stick it out and focus on the good times, instead of the bad?
There is nothing wrong with learning all that you can from a relationship and feeling that your time in it is up. Relationships and people are here to teach us about ourselves, the world and others. And in this case, it seems as if your journey with this individual and this relationship is up, and there is nothing wrong with that. Always be true to yourself and your instincts and your instincts are telling you it is time to go. Listen to them!
And you can have love for someone but not be in love with them. And I believe you are right, you have fallen out of love with your partner and there is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling, it is completely natural. Your boyfriend is showing you who he is, and what he desires from life, and you cannot help anyone unless they want to be helped and it honestly seems as if your boyfriend does not want to grow and evolve.
And at this point in time, all you can do is accept him and his actions and go forward in your own life. As I say, being stagnant is the kiss of death in any relationship and your boyfriend does not want to grow or evolve with you.
But I am a tad confused. You say that your boyfriend is not the same as when you two got together but you then go on to say the qualities you dislike about him were always there from the beginning. It seems that when you were in love with him you were able to overlook those bad qualities.
Now that you are no longer in love, it seems that those qualities are screaming at you. And if you are posing the question of leaving, you obviously already have one foot out of the door. Case in point, you say you have fallen for someone else. You obviously want to leave, but for some reason, you are sticking around.
Why is that? Why have you stayed so long in a relationship that clearly does not make you happy? Why have you put someone else’s happiness above your own? What has you putting your desires, dreams, goals and the life of your dreams on the back burner to stay with a guy who does not want the same things out of life as you?
Why do you believe you deserve a man who doesn’t carry his weight? Why do you think you deserve a man who wants a mother more than he wants a partner? Why are you open to being in a relationship where you have to mother your partner? These are questions that I believe once you answer truthfully, you will know what next steps to take regarding this relationship.
And the years you two have spent together will not be in vain. Through the course of this relationship, you have learned a lot about yourself, others and the world. You have learned, and are still learning, not to put the happiness of others above your own. You have learned, and are learning, that some people are just meant to take us through something, not to walk with us our entire life’s journey.
But also, this relationship has shown you, and is showing you, that you need to work on your self-love and self-esteem. If you truly cherished yourself, you would not have stayed as long as you did or put up with all that you have. Again, this relationship is not a waste and would not be a waste if you were to end it, trust that.
Now, onto this new relationship. Do you think it is a good idea to jump from one relationship to the next, even though your current relationship has been dead for a while? Do you believe you need time to process and mourn the ending of this relationship before introducing someone else and their feelings and desires into your life and world?
My advice, focus on yourself. It is never a good idea to jump from one relationship to another. You need time to heal and time to figure out why you thought you deserved that relationship. You need time to focus on the relationship you have with yourself. If your boundaries were stronger and if you truly realized your worth, you would not have stayed as long as you did.
But again, this relationship taught you a lot of great useful information about yourself, so thank it and send it on its way. And hopefully, these lessons and this experience is a wakeup call to seek love from within first and build a great mental and emotionally healthy foundation for yourself.
And from all that I have said, I hope you take away that the most important love of all comes from within, and I hope you begin the journey of self-healing, self-love and seeking love from within, instead of outside yourself. Wishing you peace, love, and happiness.