“I went no contact with my parents…”

Anonymous: I went no contact with my narcissistic parents. It has been over a year, and I finally thought my life was getting back to normal, and that maybe, the times I believed I was being followed were all in my head, but I was mistaken. I just found out both of my parents have been stalking me since I went no contact and moved out. I feel that all the security I have built for myself is gone and that they have taken it, along with everything else, from me.

This is something I know about all too well! I am so very saddened that this has been your experience in life and with your parents. It is very shocking and scary to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you are being watched. And it is very scary to think about and wonder how they found your address. Once again, I am so very sorry.

It is truly sad what you are experiencing, and I know you must feel alone. I know if you were to tell most people that you were being stalked by your parents, they would think that you were maybe a little crazy and that you were blowing things out of proportion.

But if you told them you were being stalked by an abusive ex, they would try to hug you, offer sympathies and advice, and surround you with comfort. Isn’t it crazy what society will let parents get away with and how we have been conditioned to believe that parents have a right to be in our lives and to have access to us?

When people do not get the wonderful experience of growing up around narcissist, as you and I have, they cannot really understand what it feels like to be raised by one. They will never understand the fear, the anxiety, the depression or the self-loathing that comes along with being a child of narcissists.

And so, they may not be able to put themselves in your shoes. Just thinking back on my own personal journey of going no contact and leaving, whenever I told other family members, and even adults outside of my family, about the stalking they chalked it up to parents that were just concerned over the safety of their child.

And as I write this, I am laughing so hard at anyone who would believe that narrative. Narcissists cannot care about the safety of their child because narcissists cannot feel love, they are desensitized to it. It is all about control, manipulation, feeling better than others, making others feel small, usually the way the narcissists do, and seeing other beings as material objects.

And when you are a child of a narcissist, you are not a being with your own thoughts and feelings. You are a material object. So, your life isn’t your own. Your choices cannot be your own, but most importantly they cannot be about you.

And when you left your parents and went no contact, which I am very proud of you for doing, they saw that as a rejection, and they internalized it and it brought up all of their self-hatred and their fear of rejection. So of course, they have to get you back, make you fearful again and bring you back into the fold so they can quell that self-hatred within themselves, but also the rejection and feelings of abandonment that your leaving brought up within them.

And you making the choice to leave was a very big power move, so kudos to you. It was you taking back control of your life, but it was also showing your parents that they have no power over you.

So, your parents stalking you is a way for them to take the power back and to invoke fear in you, so do not let them. And I know it may be scary to know that you are being watched, and at this point in time they haven’t made contact, but I think you should prepare for if they do.

Mention your being stalked by your parents to your loved ones and friends just to have the incidents documented. When I was experiencing this, I mentioned this to my therapist and my therapy group and it felt great to have their support but to also have the incidents documented, so you should do the same.

If you can, install cameras outside of your home. I know that is where the majority of my stalking took place. Write down every incident that occurs with the date and time, as extra documentation. If you catch them stalking you, take pictures, it has the time stamp and it could help when you go to seek a restraining order, if that is something you want to do.

If you are at university, let your University Police Department know what is going on. If you live in an apartment with security, let the security know what is going and what the make and models of your parents’ vehicles are, just as a precaution.

And go within and meditate as much as possible. Do not let them steal your peace of mind and know that they have not stolen your security. You are the one creating the foundation for your life. Although it may seem as if they hold all of the cards, they do not. Continue on with your life, pray for positive, spiritual solutions and bless this situation.

I know it may look as if things won’t get better or come to a positive resolution, but it will, and you just have to trust in that. Continue living your life, documenting everything and please do not allow your parents into your head. That is where they want to be. Wishing you a safe and secure future filled with unconditionally loving relationships.