Anonymous: I don’t have the best relationship with my mom. In fact, our relationship is almost nonexistent. And whenever I’m with her I feel very uncomfortable and uneasy. Lately, she’s been showing up in my life more and more trying to forge a connection. But I don’t want one. At least not with her. And I try to let her down gently, telling her that I just want to focus on me right now, but she tells me that she will kill herself if she loses me.
And being completely honest, I don’t care. Her life is the way it is because of her decisions. It’s not for me to fix them. And I think she should learn to live alone, start over and forge connections with other people, people who aren’t her son. But my mom doesn’t want to do this. Should I leave my mom alone? What if she harms herself? Would it be my fault?
What do you want? And think long and hard about the answer to that question. From what you’ve said, it’s painstakingly clear to me that you do not want a relationship with your mother and that you want her to stop reaching out and involving you in her problems.
But it is okay to feel a tug of war with your emotions. It’s your mom, and even though her actions may have hurt you in the past, she is still your mom and there are parts of you that care for her and love her and always will.
And there is nothing wrong with that. But there is also nothing wrong with choosing yourself and putting your feelings and your needs first. Your feelings and needs are valid, and I believe it is with utmost importance that you should listen to them along with your instincts.
If your intuition is telling you to not help your mom and to go no contact with her then follow them. And maybe this is a test and a lesson for your mom. This test could be for her to make it on her own, for her to be secure in walking alone and for her to learn to validate her existence and worth without needing anyone there to do it for her.
And maybe this experience is a test for you as well. A test of whether or not you will continue to put the demands and needs of others above your own or whether or not you will say no to the demands of others and focus on your own needs and tending to your self-care.
And your mom is completely in the wrong for mentioning harming herself if you choose to act in a way that does not align with her wishes. It’s emotional and mental blackmail. Her saying that she will kill herself if you do not help her is completely out of line and it is showing you her true colors.
She is guilting you into helping her and into having a relationship with her. Would you honestly want to be in a relationship with someone who uses guilt and manipulation to control you? Yeah, I didn’t think so!
And if your mom were to harm herself, it would not be your fault. You can offer compassion and feel compassion towards your mom and her situation, but you should not upend your life for her. There comes a time in everyone’s life where they have to stand on their own two feet. It just so happens that right now is your mom’s time.
And although your feelings are valid, they will not help you in the long run. The resentment, anger, guilt, and shame you feel will eat you up on the inside and poison your mind and body. It is best to work through your feelings regarding your mom and your relationship with your mom.
And take this time to focus on forging a new path in your life. One of healing, forgiveness, and release. Choose to accept the situation as it is and move on. Choose to look forward instead of back and choose to nourish your spirit and feed your soul.
Focus on closing the door to this chapter of your life and welcoming in new, positive, stable energy and new, positive, stable beings. Stay strong, stay positive and stay loving. And I wish you well as you embark upon your journey of self-love and self-care.