“It makes me wonder if he touched me when I was younger…”

Anonymous: My dad is very toxic, and whenever I’m around him this creepy feeling always comes over me. It makes me wonder if he touched me when I was younger. How would someone know if something like that happened?

Honestly, you would know. I’ve never known that thought to cross someone’s mind, that their father inappropriately touched them or did something inappropriate to them unless it was true and happened. Most people don’t have those kinds of thoughts, so the fact that you do is a sign that something untoward most likely did occur. 

Another sign that something traumatic happened with your dad is the feelings of discomfort that you have around him. Your hackles rise and your instincts flare to tell you that something is wrong, that something isn’t as it should be. That there’s an illusion surrounding you. And your feelings are pushing you to lift the veil on those illusions. 

The illusion that everything is okay. That everything is perfect, that your dad never harmed you and that what you feel and believe to have happened, hasn’t happened. As I’ve said on DearSpence.com before, our mind will block out our memories of events whenever it wants to protect us.

Sometimes those events are so traumatic that our brain will compartmentalize them, push them to the background and they only resurface whenever we subconsciously feel that we can heal from the trauma. So, it’s great news that you are choosing to face your fears and ultimately, your memories, head-on.

Now, I do believe there is one tool that could be the starting point for your journey of discovering your truths. And that tool is guided meditation. I believe guided meditation will help you unlock the doors to your subconscious mind and help you figure out what really happened. A guided meditation that I believe would work for you is “PTSD Visualization: For Trauma Relief & Healing” by Jason Stephenson.

I do understand that there might or might not be any trauma, but I’ve personally experienced this guided meditation and after having done it, I received memories that I never knew were there. Memories of events that took place that I never recalled happening. So, I do think this could be a great starting point for you. 

I do know that you desire to figure out the truth, and I truly believe this guided meditation will help you do just that. This is a very powerful meditation and it will help unlock emotions in you that you did not know were there and those emotions will be your teachers and they will guide you to your truth. 

And once you figure out your truths and embark upon the journey of healing, it’s always a great idea to reach out for professional help to learn the tools, that one already has inside one’s self, to heal from this sort of trauma. And if you were assaulted by your father, as you recover your memories, grieve and heal, never feel as if you are alone. 

There are a lot of us out here that have been molested by family members, so never feel as if you don’t have a community of likeminded people that have the same experiences as you. And if your fears do turn out to be true, don’t blame yourself for the actions of your father. 

I know from personal experience what it feels like to have your foundation rocked by the resurfacing of one’s memories and the news of a molestation by a family member. And one thing that helped me was sitting with my inner child and telling her that what happened wasn’t her fault and that she was not to blame for the incident or the actions of others. 

So, when, and if, the time comes for you to heal from past events, sit with your inner child, feel its pain and acknowledge that the fault and the blame do not lie with you or within you. I hope that as you embark upon this journey that you receive peace and absolution from your experiences, your memories and your relationships.

Now, I wish you well upon your journey and always remember that you’re not alone and that you are a Divine loving being, a Divine spiritual being having a physical experience, and that you are not defined by your experiences. I wish you well as you embark upon this new trek of a lifetime and remember, I’m always here!