“Will I ever be able to forgive my molester…”

Anonymous: I’ve been molested and I have been focused on my healing for a while now. I’m just wondering, will I ever truly be healed? Will I truly be able to forgive all the adults involved? Will I be able to forgive my molester and see him as the flawed human being that he is?

Those are such great questions. And I know that anyone who has been molested toys with those exact same thoughts and questions. We like to believe that healing is a linear path, a path where every step we take is one of forgiveness. Forgiveness without the shame, hatred, anger, and incredulity that we feel over the experience. But, the anger, the hatred, the shame and the sadness we feel is our path to healing, our path to forgiveness. 

So, I believe that every step we take, whether it’s 3 forward and 1 back, is taking us closer to true forgiveness, to the true healing of what was done to us. So, I do believe that you will truly heal, that we will all heal. But that healing may take longer than we desire and that’s okay. As long as we continue doing the inner-work I know that we will heal from our experiences.

And yes, I believe that you can and will forgive all the adults involved. But it may take some time. From my own experience of forgiveness, I have worked on forgiving myself for the shame I’ve felt regarding the sexual assault, forgiving the adults involved for being so self-involved and negligent to not see what was going on, but also forgiveness for the adults who turned a blind eye to the sexual assault and its’ signs. 

And what I have learned and continue to experience is that the path to forgiveness is a choice that I make every day. A choice of me choosing love and forgiveness instead of anger and hatred. A choice I make every time I think of what happened. So, yes, I believe you will be able to forgive all the adults involved in this incident.

And what has helped me and is continuing to help me is viewing the adults involved as their inner child. And I look at the actions of the adult from the place of the inner-child and I place their inner-child in my heart and surround it with love. Unconditional love. But also, sitting with my own inner child, acknowledging her pain and her feelings, placing her in my heart and surrounding her in love has helped me forgive myself and the adults involved. 

This last question is such a loaded question! And I personally feel a little triggered just by reading it. But, it’s a really great question. It is letting me, and others who were triggered, know that we still have work to do on forgiving our molester but it’s also showing us that we are open to healing and continually acknowledging our feelings and putting in the work to heal. 

And I believe that you are on the path to healing and that you are almost where you want to be. You acknowledge that your desire is to view your molester from a place of love and compassion which is so very commendable. The fact that there’s this spark of forgiveness, even if your anger still comes up, shows that you are halfway to viewing your molester as a flawed human being who chose the wrong path. 

And I truly believe that you can forgive and will forgive the man that molested you, but it will take time and trial and error. And you are already putting in both, so just continue your healing work and continue acknowledging how far you’ve come in your feelings and how amazing you are for embarking upon this journey of forgiveness in the first place. 

It’s not an easy journey but you are doing it and you are doing an amazing job! So just continue moving forward and working towards true healing. And I wish you the best as you travel along your journey. Good luck and know that myself and others are walking with you, standing with you and rooting for you!